Rapunzel the Rich Bimbo

Rapunzel gazed wistfully out of the stone window at the top of her tower, it had been weeks since the specially trained, highly paid guards outside had been challenged by anybody dashing, she'd been forced to recruit new Bards and Minstrels to sing tales of her beauty and grace imprisoned in a tower by some wicked Uncle, Whilst she gazed wistfully, over the specially designed to be un-fool-proof, traps that surrounded her "prison", she sung the ballad, that highly skilled and very expensive minstrels were currently supposed to singing all across the realm.

Oh beautiful Rapunzel, she is so fine and fair
There is nothing that's more radiant, than her long blond hair,
Her eyes have made Strong hero's cry,
Her lucious lips bring tears to the eye,
Oh beautiful Rapunzel, how I long to gaze on you.

Oh beautiful Rapunzel, she is so sweet and kind,
Intelligent, yet delicate, with a gentle frame of mind,
Her smile has sent kings to their knees,
saying "wed me, wed me, wed me, please."
Oh beautiful Rapunzel how I long to gaze on you,

Oh Beautiful Rapunzel, she leads a wretched life,
Her wicked uncle 'prisoned her, and made her be his wife,
though he has long since passed away
Rapunzel cries most every day.
Oh beautiful Rapunzel how I long to gaze on you

Oh beautiful Rapunzel is locked up in a tower,
for only there did wicked unc' have her in his power
She waits and pines, yes every day
for a brave young heart to come her way
Oh beautiful Rapunzel, how I long to gaze on you

Oh beautiful Rapunzel is guarded Day and Night
Her evil guards won't set her free, least not without a fight
So if you're a knight with a heart of Gold,
pray listen indeed to the tale I've told.
Oh beautiful Rapunzel, how I long to gaze on you
Oh beautiful Rapunzel, how I long to gaze on you.

The minstrels had been sent out weeks ago but still no one came to whisk her away, Then all of a sudden there was a distant trumpet sound, that carried gently across, the still summer air, Rapunzel looked up then back down she must have imagined it, wishful thinking.

"Duh duh da dah,"

There it was again barely perceptible against the birds singing in the trees,

"Duh duh da dah,"

This time it was louder, some body was coming,

"Duh duh da dah,"

This trumpet blast was accompanied by the thunder of horses, which resonated like a drum roll across the forest surrounding her tower.

"Duh duh da dah,"

Through the trees could been seen flashes of shining armour, the hooves thundered louder, the birds flew as one from the trees into the air, adding to the tumbling cacophony, the guards leapt to attention and manned their posts with renewed vigour.

"Duh duh da dah,"

A warrior knight in pristine shinning plate mail, cannoned from out of the wood on his stalwart steed, which was decked in a livery of heraldic imagery, clods of earth flew majestically from the charging stallions hooves, The cavalier, blew one last triumphant blast from his horn,

"Duh duh da dah,"

the sound echoed fantastically, and lastingly around Rapunzels tower, "I wish he'd stop doing that, this is no time to get a headache,"

The Knight Swung his trumpet over his shoulder lowered his lance and skewered forcibly the Keeper of bridge, he leapt as gracefully as is possible, in heavy armour from his horse, an ran as fast as is possible when encased in steal, wielding his sword elegantly but violently, he swathed through the throng of hideous guardians around the base of the Tower, with suspiciously greater ease than he might have expected. Rapunzel swooned effeminately when the embattled warrior found chance for a quick glance at her window. The warriors whirling rapier cut through the horde infront of him, till he reached the heavy oak door. He charged the door, it splintered at the touch of his shoulder slightly more readily than he was used to, A blade swung from the top of the stair well, with rather more noise than was absolutely necessary , but the hero had been expecting it and as swiftly as it is possible to do whilst wearing sheet armour leapt aside, He ascended the stairs as rapidly as he could whist entombed in slabs of iron, he's feet clanging rhythmically and echoing rhythmically up the towers long clockwise spiral staircase, A sword swung down blocking his path, as the guards made a last stand on the stairs, the blow was swiftly parried and the defence soon turned into an attack, The defenders retreated with rather more determination than the Knight was used to, suddenly the warrior stopped the door infront of him bore the legend "Beautiful Prisoners room, Haylp Haylp," The last defenders, had retreated up to the battlements, to cower pathetically, The Knight looked down at his blood free sword, and speculated for a moment that it had all seemed so much easier than usual, sheathing his sword he rammed the door which collapsed beneath his momentous assault.

"What did you do that for?" asked Rapunzel from barely within her translucent negligée * "the door was open!"

The knight gave what if not for the steel helmet would have been a puzzled look.

Rapunzel regained her composure,

"oh take me take me!" she said wilting pathetically.

The Knight strode boldly forward and hoisted her waif like frame on to his wide shoulders.

"What are you doing put me down!! that armours sharp!!"

"But I'm supposed to rescue you."

"and you have, now claim your reward! oh take me take me!"

"But you're in grave danger,"

"You will be in a minute if you don't have your wicked way with me!

"But the doors wide open, er.... in splinters."

"Well you're the one who smashed through it like a rampart virulent sex machine now get your sodding armour off, and claim me as your own you stupid great hero, I wither in your arms, watch,"

she withered in his arms alluringly.


"Oh stop butting you great oaf, oh don't worry they won't watch, 'cos if they do the're off the pay roll !!"

The guards scattered downstairs into their guardroom,

"Now! You fought bravely oh Knight," fluttered Rapunzel demurely, leading him gently towards her four poster bed **


"That means we can skip the foreplay. Now get your armour off, "


"You are so Dashing and Brave and Handsome."

Having run out of excuses, the heroic Knight murmered "Ok But I'm not sure you're going to like it." He removed his helmet, to reveal striking cheek bones, and a long cascade of dark hair.

Rapunzel was unperturbed for it was the fashion, "your hair is majestic and fine brave solider,"

"Thats cos I'm a woman," said Ginny Vere, First feminist of Splurgh.

*derived from the word negligent, in as much as theres something that should be there but isn't.

**One of Sting, one of Bon Jovi one of Kevin Costner, and one of Mel Gibson.

© 1997 David Stevens
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